I remember the early days of Amazon, when it wasn't much more than an online bookstore. A lot has changed since then. In fact, the other day I happened to look at my order history, which stretched back to the late 90s, and it proved to be quite a walk down memory lane!
The collection of books on patristics, eschatology, Pneumatology, and all manner of theology, ecclesiastical history, and contemplative prayer - as well as a few DVDs (and yes, streaming is way better) - felt like a strange digital record of this journey that turned into the priesthood, a PhD, and an out-of-this-world encounter with God and His people that I hoped for, but never could have come close to imagining.
One book that stood out for me was The Life of Moses by St. Gregory of Nyssa whom we commemorate today (January 10). I remember the feeling of wonderment I had pouring over Gregory's words: "The manifestation of God to the great Moses began with light; afterwards God spoke to him in the cloud; next when Moses became more exalted and perfect he saw God in the darkness" (The Life of Moses, II, 96 on the parts of the soul).
In one moment, all of my questions had an answer. Then all of my answers had new questions. For example, while fundamentally encouraging the solitary life so as to enter into the illuminated darkness of God, St. Gregory (in mirroring Moses' life) also writes of the need to return to society to help others.
Every day of my life I ask God: "Is this what you want of me?" And, if so, "how do I even come close to doing it?"
The most distinctive teaching of St. Gregory's - and what resonated deep within me - is the idea of eternal progress. In other words, rather than thinking about the spiritual life as something with a goal that can be achieved in this life, he describes it as an infinite succession of steps that continues even in death ... meaning that there is no such thing as a completed journey into God.
Somehow this was consonant with the spiritual mind and heart God gave me. Thus, it became an important part of my interior architecture that led to a life truly and deeply laboring to understand apophatic theology and hesychastic prayer.
When I look back over the course of my life, there are no words to describe how grateful I am to God for this journey. (Of course, at an infinitely smaller level, I am also pleased that the words of St. Gregory, and the other great theological and spiritual minds of Christian history, can be shared at the click of a button.)
To bring this reflection to a close, I will leave you with a quote that also comes from St. Gregory, but outside The Life of Moses itself.
"Scripture teaches by this, I think, that he who desires to behold God sees the object of his longing in always following him. The contemplation of his face is the unending journey accomplished by following directly behind the Word."
An icon of St. Gregory of Nyssa.
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